Angry XXL Martial Arts Expert

Each time you might be lead to think it could possibly be any more alive and breathing martial arts nitwits out there, a new one pops up for us all to shake our heads at.

Case in point; this rather angry XXL martial arts expert from the UK appears to be quite something else. Threatening workers at his apartment when they apparently was unsettling his pet snake and offended his Buddha statue is just a small fraction of his antics.

Guess it's not that hard to run away from the "rather solid" man. Wouldn't fancy him getting hold of me though...

Confuse-Us Speaks #28

Brown belt - by conskeptical, Flickr.com

According to our friends the gullible media nitwits (aka reporters), a karate brown belt is now the same as being an expert.

Oh yes, jolly old great-grandmaster Confuse-Us is totally on the ball with his one.

I don't even dare to think what this guy would have been called, had he been a black belt.

I am positive the man himself didn't mention anything about expert status, or any other status for that matter. Your typical reporter will fill in the blanks quite nicely and make it all oh so sensational.

In any case, here's the piece of Confuse-Us approved shenanigans with the title: "Get me out of here...I'm a karate expert." Simply brilliant!

A brown belt in karate kept his cool after ending up locked inside Maldon’s leisure centre.
When ceramic tiler Dave Collins’ late evening karate class ended Tuesday night, he had a quick shower before realising he was locked in at the Blackwater Leisure Centre.

So now you know, becoming a karate expert is just a stroll in the park, you don't even need one of them deadly black belts!

Bad Massage Therapy

Massage - Illustration from Flickr.com

Apparently he provided some seriously twisted, bad massage therapy...

The Norwegian martial arts instructor, in his 60s and described by media as a martial arts expert, have been jailed after being found guilty of a sexual crime against a young female student, according to vg.no (The page is in Norwegian).

It appears that the man indicated he could release body blockages in his "massage clients" by having intercourse.

Bad massage therapy

In 2008, a martial arts instructor assaulted a young woman after he claimed sex could free her of bodily blockages.
The young woman visited his long time martial arts teacher in order to be treated with massage, heat and light. The court noted during sentencing that the "massage therapist" had abused his position of trust and authority as a martial arts figure to get customers for his dubious "treatment"

Another sneaky old martial arts bugger abusing his position - very sad and troubling indeed.

Karate Master - String of Offenses

UK -- A respected as well as trusted, 62-year-old high grade karate expert who has written a history of Shotokan karate has admitted to a number of sexual offences against girls, according to jarrowandhebburngazette.com.

Police reportedly discovered a huge amount of indecent images of children when the 62-year-old man was arrested. He also admitted possessing one extreme image of a person having sex with an animal.

The married father was already in prison awaiting sentence after having admitted a series of sex assaults on children.

King of Upside Down

Here's something you definitely don't wan't to try at home boys and girls - you hear!

Also known as 'The King of Upside Down', Chinese kung fu expert Li Xin, can be seen here performing a headstand on top of a nail.

It has taken the man 20 years to master the feat, according to digitalspy.co.uk. I really can't help but wonder what a term such as not mastering the stunt entails...

Fukuda Sensei, 10th Dan

California -- Please forget the absurd nonsense of 9-, 15- or 20-year-old "experts" or "masters". Yes, the kids are great and cute and all that, but lets get real. Being a true master or expert takes a life of dedication to an art.

It definitely involves more than being able to perform intricate patterns, kick high, win medals or being handed belts like candy.

One such true master, expert and legend is Keiko Fukuda sensei from San Francisco, who recently received the highest honor of judo. At the age of 98, she has been awarded the ultimate rank of 10th dan. Bravo and congratulations Fukuda sensei!

She is the first woman ever to be promoted to this rank. Not only that, there are just three people before her, all Japanese men, who have reached that level.

Fukuda sensei still teaches at the women's dojo in Noe Valley, and she was reportedly in tears when she was brought the news.

"All my life," Fukuda sensei said, "this has been my dream."

Be Proud Vancouver!

Canada -- The citizens of Vancouver should really be proud they have 32-year-old Bert Easterbrook on their team. The solid karate expert, bouncer and photographer were among they very few who dared to stand up against the rioting hooligans recently.

And to all you idiots who dare to call yourself hockey fans, when all you ever stood out to be were mindless losers and cowards: Please get lost... seriously, we will all be so much better without you.

Go here to watch a video showing the bravery of the decent folks of Vancouver: offthebench.nbcsports.com.

Extremely Disturbed "Expert"

Just when you think you heard every crazy excuse there is, along comes yet another one that makes your jaw drop to the floor like a ton of bricks.

Israel -- A man who's been convicted of murdering his granddaughter, allegedly claimed he killed her by accident "because of his experience as a martial arts expert". This is according to ynetnews.com.

The man was accused of killing the 4-year-old girl in 2008. He then allegedly placed her in a suitcase and threw her into the Tel Aviv river of Yarkon.

This is the same man who has been described by police as not some master criminal, just extremely disturbed...

I just gotta say this: "Wow..." There, I just said it. What happened to having control, showing restraint and all that jazz? You know the stuff that should come with the "martial arts expert" territory.

Read more about this sad case and disturbing case here, here and here.

Capoeira Expert Jailed

UK -- A Plymouth court was told by a prosecutor how a married Brazilian capoeira "expert" passed a Plymouth woman in the street on New Year's Day and wished her a happy new year.

The prosecutor told how the defendant then turned and followed the young woman. He dragged the victim into a service lane and subjected her to a 20-minute horrific ordeal in which the victim was convinced the attacker was going to kill her, according to thisisplymouth.co.uk.

The woman was reportedly strangled, blindfolded, threatened with a knife and raped three times before the 23-year-old martial arts "expert" finally took off.

The court ended up sentencing the defendant to eight years in jail.

Finnish Fines

Finland -- A District Court in the Finnish capitol Helsinki has handed down sentences to one young man and three young women in connection with the mass brawl which occurred at an amusement park in June 2010.

The man - said to be a martial arts expert who has competed at national level - received a 50-day suspended prison term after he was found guilty on three charges of assault, according to hs.fi.

The brawl escalated into a mass fight, and it apparently began with some queue-jumping on one of the rides at the amusement park.

Drunken "Expert"

Canada -- In Sarnia, a 41-year-old man - said to be a martial arts expert - has plead guilty to causing a disturbance in June 2010.

Lfpress.com reported the man called police during the night, saying he was intoxicated and had some important information he wanted to share.

Officers however, never received the information. They were instead confronted by a screaming man, armed with a sword in one hand and a liquor bottle in the other.

Police reportedly had to use a Taser on the individual, since the man told them he wasn't going to let officers arrest him without a fight.

The man allegedly became agitated when he didn't think officers were paying attention to him...

A "Blackbelter"

Philippines -- A drunken 31-year-old man, bragging about how he was a "karate expert" and "blackbelter" was reportedly hacked to death with a bolo (a weapon similar to a machete) by his neighbor in a village on the east coast, according to sunstar.com.ph.

The incident took place around 8 p.m. Thursday, local police said. The victim was passing near the residence of his neighbor, on his way home, when he challenged the suspect to a fistfight, bragging about being a "blackbelter".

The suspect grabbed the bladed weapon and hit the victim several times, killing him on the spot, according to police.

Break-in Murder Bid Charge

UK -- (Scotland) Two teenagers (17 and 18) will stand trial accused of trying to kill a martial arts expert after allegedly breaking into his home, according to bbc.co.uk.

The two teenagers are accused of attempted murder the sombo (sambo) fighter at his home in Paisley on July 23, 2010.

They are also alleged to have assaulted the wife of the five-time sombo wrestling champion during the break-in. Both accused deny the charges.

War Criminal, Karate Expert

Canada -- A 52-year-old man, recently arrested in Lethbridge, Alberta, is wanted in Guatemala in the killing of 251 men, women and children during the civil war in the early 1980s, according to cbc.ca.

The man, described as a karate expert and living in Riverside, California, has both Canadian and American citizenship. He was reportedly arrested on charges he is facing in the U.S. for making a false statement relating to naturalization and unlawful procurement of citizenship or naturalization.

"Cun-Fu-Ningulus"

New York -- Ian Kerner, a "sexpert" based in New York claim that men can improve their oral sex skills by comparing their cunnilingus style to martial arts, according to yourtango.com. And no, in case you wonder, oral here does not imply talking about it...

Any idea what this grappling style of marital arts is called? Tongue fu? Tai sheet? No? In any case, I bed you want to read more about it :-)

"Marital Arts" Fighting

China -- While the majority "marital arts" fighting begin after the knots have been tied, this doesn't always seem to be the case.

Two Chinese kung fu sisters, Xiao Lin and her sister Yin (penned as experts, of course) claim they will not get married until their suitors has proven worthy by beating them in combat, according to metro.co.uk.

It is evidently an option to choose between open-hand combat or any weapon the suitors may wish. However the sisters say they won't be holding back. "If they can't beat us, they aren't worthy," 22-year-old Lin says.

A three-day "fighting festival" will allegedly be held in Foushan. The sisters will be masked throughout the challenges, so the men must risk life and limb without even knowing what their potential brides-to-be look like.

Let me see if I get this right...

First you risk getting your furry behind whooped royally. Then, if you win, you may claim your prize without really knowing what it looks like? What if the sisters here end up being butt ugly? Will a "Thank's but no thank's" or running for cover lead to a violent rematch of sort?

I guess I'll be more than happy to pass on this one :-)

Kung Fu for Troubled Youth

UK -- A 'Karate Kid' inspired TV series given the working title 'Kung Fu Street Fighters' is going to be aired in Britain in 2011, according to guardian.co.uk.

The series is reportedly set to combat what they call a "hoodie culture and antisocial behavior" - using a British Shaolin munk and kung fu expert to mentor troubled inner-city youngsters.

Another Fine "Expert"

Israel -- A New Jersey woman will need reconstructive facial surgery after being assaulted by a fellow participant on the Birthright Israel program May 31.

The 25-year-old woman was attacked in the hallway of a hotel at a kibbutz guest house near the Dead Sea. The fellow participant, claimed to be a martial arts "expert", allegedly made advances to the woman, which she rebuffed, according to jta.org.

An Eye Opener

China - A 50-year old kung fu expert pulled an small plane for five meters - by a rope hooked to his eyelids, according to Chinese media.

The stunt was performed at an exhibition in Changchun, Jilin province, and it took the martial artist less than a minute to pull the half-a-tonne aircraft .

Dong Changsheng, who has been practicing kung fu for nearly 40 years, has reportedly collected numerous awards for his skills.

MA Expert Abused Children

UK -- More than twenty years after he was convicted of another sexual crime, a martial arts expert has been told he's facing jail for a series of sex abuse towards children, according to lep.co.uk.

The 43-year-old man -- who taught jitsu (sic.) and iaido in Preston -- was allegedly allowed to work with children, despite his conviction for indecency in 1989.

In court, he admitted to 13 serious sexual offences against three boys aged between 10 and 15. The offences reportedly happened between 1996 and 2007.